Don't miss your chance to see this powerful and critically acclaimed film on the big screen! Check back shortly for showtimes and ticket information, which will be posted here.

"Everything I know, I know only because I love." This line comes from Leo Tolstoy's most famous work, "War and Peace," and it also serves as a fitting backdrop for Michael Hoffman's new film "The Last Station," about the final days of Tolstoy's life. Tolstoy, played wonderfully and award-winningly (see: Oscar nom plus other wins galore) by Christopher Plummer, had a lifelong tumultuous relationship with his wife, Countess Sofya (played with ferocity and grace by Helen Mirren, also nominated for an Oscar). The film captures their roller coaster affair as Tolstoy grapples with his impending death and how his wealth should be distributed once he is gone. His adviser, Vladimir Chertkov (Paul Giamatti), wants him to turn the rights to his works over to the people of Russia; his wife is aghast at the thought her husband could shut his family out of his will. And so begins an impassioned battle for Tolstoy's affection, confidence and worldly possessions.

Besides owning a copy of "Anna Karenina" that remains unread on my bookshelf, and knowing there will come a day when I have to at least crack "War and Peace," I am otherwise woefully ignorant on the subject of Leo Tolstoy. This movie, then, was an endlessly interesting view into his story and politics. A hero of the Russian people, Tolstoy espoused ideals of chastity, poverty and simplicity in his end days, founding a "Tolstoyan" movement that urged the masses to revolt against the corrupt leadership in power. His followers believed his work was of utmost importance and reverently followed him everywhere; as Sofya scornfully comments in the film, they practically "think he's Christ." As his lifelong partner, Sofya feels she has her own claim to Tolstoy, and resents that his attention has been turned away from her and her family toward his followers and his work. This dynamic is encapsulated brilliantly in the icy and barbed encounters between Sofya and Chertkov, whom regard each other as bitter rivals for Tolstoy's attention and indeed plot as though they are at war. Into the middle of this dangerous fray enters Valentin Bulgakov (James MacAvoy), Tolstoy's young secretary and protege who is manipulated by both Sofya and Chertkov to spy and report back on the other. As he struggles to maintain neutrality, Bulgakov must also decide how much of the Tolstoyan philosophy he agrees with as he falls in love with a spirited woman (Kerry Condon) in Tolstoy's commune.

This may sound like a great deal of melodrama and intrigue, and there are certainly those moments, but the film is far more sanguine and thoughtful (dare I say Tolstoyan?) than the description may first make it appear. The cast is magnificent, the settings stately, the cinematography breathtaking. There is true pathos, too, in Plummer and Mirren's relationship and their tangled on-screen encounters; we are exasperated by Sofya's hysterics and self-pitying tantrums, but we also feel genuine sympathy and pity for her plight as she is essentially abandoned in the final act of their lives by the man she loves and adores. The film admirably does not take sides; you are never sure who to trust, or whose motives are pure, or whether Tolstoy is making the right decision at any given moment. He himself is not sure of his direction - as he jokingly tells Bulgakov, "I am not very good at being Tolstoyan." What remains, then, is a nuanced and complicated look inside the mind of one of the world's most famous authors; and the film, as with the man, bravely eschews shortcuts for something entirely authentic and whole.

"The Last Station" is playing now through Thursday at the State Theatre. For ticket information and showtimes, click here.

TC film festival attendees out there will likely remember the Allen-Wickler girls' previous works - Olivia's short "Dancing Skeletons" played at the first film festival in 2005 (it was the first thing ever projected on the State Theatre screen at TCFF), and Zoe's short "Cherry Birds" played at the 2008 festival. Watch the newest creation from these local talented girls here.

Critical darling "The Last Station," starring Christopher Plummer and Helen Mirren, begins a two-week run today at the State. Both starring actors have been nominated for their roles in the film, which chronicles the end of Russian novelist Leo Tolstoy's life and his tumultuous relationship with his wife. Here's what Michael Moore has to say about it:

"'The Last Station' tells the story of the last days of Russian novelist Leo Tolstoy ('War and Peace'). Not content to go quietly from the world, Tolstoy decides to change his will and leave what he owns (and the rights to his books) to the 'people of Russia.' This does not make his wife happy. And so a battle ensues. With the Czar still in charge, Tolstoy decides to back the movement for democracy and freedom. He is the most beloved person in Russian, and the public cannot bear to hear that he may not be with them for much longer. He, on the other hand, has no intention of going anytime soon and relishes his remaining time in the hopes of fomenting revolution.

This is a smart, funny film for adults, the kind the Brits often make because they think we have a brain. The movie takes you to turn of last century Russia and relays a story you've probably never heard about one of the most famous writers who ever lived. It's fascinating, entertaining, moving and a tour de force of acting. I wish Hollywood would make a film like this every month. I think you will like it very much."

Check back here on the blog shortly for a complete review of the film. Or, just assume based on its bazillion awards and Michael's endorsement that it's awesome and go check it out. Either way.

"Rachel," showing at this year's Traverse City Film Festival, is a powerful, emotionally and politically devastating documentary by director Simone Bitton that tells the story of Rachel Corrie, a 22-year-old American activist who was run over and killed while trying to prevent an Israeli bulldozer from demolishing Palestinian homes in the Gaza Strip. Rachel's parents, Craig & Cindy Corrie, will accompany the film to the festival and attend its screenings, as well as sit on the "Palestine and Vine" panel on Thursday, July 30. We spoke to Craig & Cindy about their daughter's life and work, the circumstances surrounding her death, and the documentary that is shining a renewed spotlight on her story.

Craig & Cindy Corrie

Traverse City Film Festival: Rachel's story and the details of her death were well-documented in the American media, and in many ways came to symbolize the complexity of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and America's role in that struggle. For those who may not have heard Rachel's story, can you share what motivated her to become a peace activist in the Middle East and what the circumstances were surrounding her death in 2003?

Cindy Corrie: Rachel was interested in social justice issues from a very young age. At the time 9/11 happened, she was a college student and was taking a class called Local Knowledge, which focused on how events on the local level fit into the global scale. 9/11 shifted what every student in that class was doing. When it became apparent that our response to the attack was going to be retaliation in Afghanistan and possibly Iraq, the peace movement resurfaced in a big way. 9/11 sent Rachel on a search to figure out why that attack happened, which led her to studying the Middle East and the conflict between Israel and Palestine.

Still from "Rachel"

That summer, many of the students traveled with the International Solidarity Movement (ISM) to the Middle East. ISM has two mandates: Freedom for Palestinian people, and the use of non-violent forms of resistance. One of Rachel's friends returned from that trip and talked to her about Gaza and the great need for people from ISM to be there. Rachel studied Gaza, and it became her view that it was the most forsaken of the occupied territories. She felt she needed to be there. Like many families, ours was pretty removed from this issue - we didn't know what was going on there. But she studied Arabic, she bought us books so we could learn about the conflict. Then, in early 2003, she finally traveled there.

Craig Corrie: We didn't financially support her going. I spent 1970 in the military in Vietnam, and I learned from that experience, you don't volunteer to go. I didn't give her money, because I didn't want to facilitate her leaving. [Pauses] I wish I had. Because I wanted her to know - and by the end, she knew - how proud I was of her. But we were afraid. The scene she was describing, based on my experience, was a military out of control.

Cindy: We would have preferred she didn't go. But I knew how important it was for her to define her own path. She thought and felt very deeply; she needed to do something meaningful with her life. My approach was to listen and become informed and support her the best I could.

TCFF: Since Rachel's death, there has been a steadily increasing movement to share her words and experiences with a broader audience, including her published emails, a play, the Rachel Corrie Foundation website and now this film. What was your reaction to this film being made, and to the final product?

Craig: Simone (Bitton)'s film may be the closest thing we ever get to an investigation into Rachel's death. We are still seeking accountability for what happened to our daughter. [Note: The Corries have filed a civil lawsuit against Israel over Rachel's killing, with a court date set for March of 2010 - the seventh anniversary of her death.]  It's not completely comprehensive - no film could be - but it does focus on important issues around Rachel's case.

Cindy: The film provides a wonderful window into the human experience of the impact of her death and how that affected people. It's also a heartfelt expression of why and how people resist when they believe their government is doing something wrong. Anyone who has experienced a loss like we have will know what I mean when I say we live with it every day of our lives.

Vigil in Olympia, Wash.

Craig: We are pro-human rights on this issue. The week after Rachel was killed, we received over 10,000 emails from around the world. A stranger named Bernie, who was Jewish, wrote us to say that he had a half-sister named Rachel who was killed in the Holocaust. He wrote, "Now I will live my life for two Rachels." [Voice cracks] You can't get an email from a stranger like that and confuse a military out of control with the Jewish people. It's not good guys and bad guys. It's bad actions, and also, extraordinarily generous actions.

During last summer's film festival, I ran into Steve "Lips" Kudlow and Robb Reiner of metal band Anvil downtown after they had just performed for a packed house at Lars Hockstad Auditorium. Though I missed the screening of "Anvil! The Story of Anvil" (Sacha Gervasi's documentary on the band) that preceded the concert, I'll never forget the band's show: thrashing, loud, and enthusiastically received by the mostly middle-aged, polite and decidedly non-metal crowd. The sight of '80s metal gods rocking out in my elementary school - and Michael Moore headbanging in the aisle - put a perma-grin on my face for the rest of the night.

In the spirit of festival compromise, I reluctantly missed out on my first scheduled event of the day - the screening of Buster Keaton's "The Cameraman" accompanied by a live organist - to finish writing the monster Day 2 recap for the blog. For those of you who attended, I'd love to hear your thoughts on how it went. One of my favorite film fest moments ever was seeing "The General" with the same live organist (the fabulous Steven Ball from the Michigan Theatre) - it fused the beauty of cinema's black & white past with our utterly modern State Theatre in such a cool, visceral way, I got a bit teary-eyed by the end of it. Then again, I'm a romantic idiot, but I was bummed nonetheless to miss "The Cameraman." Word is we had a full house, which makes me happy - I'd hate to be the only nostalgic fool swooning over organs and silent films.

Buster Keaton in "The Cameraman"

Bleary-eyed and fingers numb from over-typing, I headed to the State just in time to catch the beginning of "Lou & Greg Present Greg & Lou." I cut it thisclose making it to the theater, and had briefly considered skipping, but I'm glad I didn't. The show was a mash-up of video skits and live sketches performed by the duo (Lou Perez and Greg Burke), who were joined by director and co-writer AJ Morales for one segment. My favorite bit had to be a hilarious interrogation scene parody (featuring a TV anchor grilling his meteorologist for weather information, who in turn refuses to "snitch" on the forecast), as well as an off-the-wall sketch featuring a self-loathing monologue from a gay Templeton the Rat from Charlotte's Web. Everything from the absurd to the satirical to the vulgar was thrown in between, but always in a way that was cleverly conceived and executed. Afterward, I interviewed the guys backstage (full interview is directly below this post), and they were as charming and smart as could possibly be. I'd give you more personal details on them, but they were coyly vague - Greg got on an amusing Don Draper kick and would only cop, when asked, to being between the age of 16 and 36. Ladies, I'll let you make the call on that one:

Greg Burke

Post-interview, we headed back into the theater to catch the Comedy Shorts Competition. There were a number of hilarious shorts shown, including a few from Michael's "Awful Truth" days (not in competition), Joe Avella's "Wheelchair Werewolf" and Greg & Lou's "Wolverine's Claws Suck." In an odd display of audience manic-depressive disorder, the two winners (which were determined by a real audience applause meter) were the violently funny "Wolverine's Claws Suck" and an a-dorable short about young puppy love called "Love Bug." Michael presented the Greg & Lou crew with their trophy, complete with a golden snowmobile attached on top, which the guys deemed "surprisingly heavy." Afterward, the group brought the trophy over with them so we could shoot an interview at the Up North studio, and I'm fairly certain it is blocking one or all of our faces at any given point during the conversation. We'll post the results later this week when the interviews are online to see how it all turned out.

Winning short "Wolverine's Claws Suck"

And with that last official piece of business, the first ever Traverse City Comedy Arts Festival came to a rousing close. Looking back, it sure was one heck of a ride, full of laughter, and tears of laughter, and more laughter. Here are some closing thoughts on the weekend…

The Great Debate: The Subjectivity of Art - On the whole, I was amazed by the kindhearted and generous outpouring of support shown by our community for such a diverse range of comics and subject matter coming to TC this weekend. Film fest has had its share of controversial movies over the years, but live comedy presents a whole new set of boundary-pushing possibilities, which carries with it heightened potential for both danger and reward. Very infrequently this weekend, I witnessed someone offended or upset by a show, as well as a handful of walk-outs. It was rare, but it happened. To those folks, I offer a few humble and sincere remarks:

In my experience, everyone at TCFF fully respects that when it comes to art, individual tastes vary broadly. As with film fest, a number of shows this weekend were aimed specifically at adults, but in an effort to make this great flurry of activity available to all (no matter what age, income range, personal beliefs, whatever), there were shows offered not only for free but also that were suitable for the whole family. Every effort was made in marketing and promotion to clearly designate which shows did and didn't contain adult-oriented content. That said, I know when I plunk down my hard-earned money for a show, I sure as hell hope it meets my expectations - which is why I always thoroughly research the event I'm going to before I buy a ticket. I would encourage our audiences to always do the same, both for your sakes and the performers' sakes. I can tell you, having been there before and having witnessed others endure it, that the most discouraging thing in the world when you're on stage is seeing people walk out of a show. After everything they're doing for our community, it's just not an experience we want to welcome these awesome folks to Traverse City with. So - appreciating that different people like different things, please take a second to read the event description and do some Googling before you make your ticket purchases, and everyone will come out happy. Heck, send me an email with a few of your likes and dislikes, and I'll be happy to make personal recommendations for you. Seriously - I've got extra time.

Happy crowds = Happy performers

We're All in This Together - One of the best parts about film fest, and now comedy fest, is having the chance to meet the guests and hear about what has inspired, moved or pissed them off enough to set them on the path of making art. It's also a treat to see them experience Traverse City, which those of us who live here know is basically the best place on Earth, but which always remains gratifying to watch someone from the "outside world" discover. Without fail, I never walk away from our festivals feeling anything less than creatively fired up, as well as newly in love with our city.

The day after the festival has ended, when you're nursing a hangover of both alcoholic and exhaustive origins, and you sleepily go online and see all the festival photos and emails and Facebook friend requests piling up, you suddenly realize that something lasting, however tenuous it may be, has come out of this glorious chaotic event. I still hear time to time from filmmakers I met at the very first festival almost six years ago, and the connections that are made between the guests and Traverse City, the guests and the volunteers, the guests and the guests and the volunteers and the volunteers, all serve to make this spinning globe we orbit on just a tiny bit smaller. Look no further than Jeff Garlin and this comedy festival to see what can happen when even one person builds a lasting connection to our area beyond what's supposed to be a one-time visit. It's magic, people - something this weekend proved beyond a doubt.

As for me…I'm already counting down the days until next year.

Lou Perez, AJ Morales and Greg Burke

Traverse City Film Festival: How did you all meet?

Greg Burke: We originally met at NYU in 2002. We were performing together in a popular group called HammerKatz at the Upright Citizen's Brigade (UCB) Theatre. It was a great time - we had shows sold out the whole year round.

AJ Morales: The only problem was it was a cast of nine doing 30-minute shows, so everyone only had 3-4 minutes per person on stage. After awhile, we broke up into separate groups, and that's when this act came together [in late 2006].

TCFF: Your show today was a mix of video clips with live sketches. Is that the format you usually present at your events?

Greg: It's kind of an interweaving of two different styles of our shows - the videos and the live sketches. So it's more of a hybrid.

TCFF: In your mind, how did it go today?

Lou Perez: It's such a weird thing - I still feel nervous, even though it's over. It's the biggest house we've ever played before. And there were real theater elements - the curtains and the spotlight, all of that.

Greg: It was just a big long nightmare, really.

Lou: (laughs) Right, and I kept waking up in the middle of it.

Greg: The crowd was amazing though. This festival has been great.

TCFF: Talk a little about your writing process and where your ideas for sketches come from.

Greg: A lot of it comes out of us just hanging out and riffing on bits.

Lou: If you get a group of comedians together, and you're a civilian, you're going to be annoyed. Because we're always trying to one-up each other. We will take a funny premise or joke and just kill it.

Greg: And make you watch the murder.

AJ: We like a lot of genre stuff, too. The Die Hard video and the interrogation sketch, those come from things we like.

TCFF: What are your impressions of Traverse City so far?

Greg: Our flight from Detroit was delayed, so we didn't get to see as much as we hoped. I would've loved to have, I don't know, gone ice fishing or something. (laughs)

AJ: Our driver was telling us all of these horrible things about winter up here - how deer hit your cars all the time, snowmobilers get lost, people go missing and their bodies don't show up until spring. If Stephen King moved here, you guys would be f****ed.

Lou: Actually, one funny thing that happened here was when we needed to buy a cricket bat, which is used in one of our sketches. So we went to MC Sports to look for one. And I look around, and there is this huge wall of guns - semi-automatics, rifles, whatever, just out in the open. I was amazed by that. Especially when I was checking one out and this kid next to me said, "That one's fun."

Greg: Unless you kill your way out of the store, you can't get your hands on a gun in Manhattan. It just doesn't happen.

TCFF: What's next for you guys? Anything coming down the pipeline?

Greg: I'm working on pitches for original sitcoms, writing new sketches for the web and YouTube, and performing at the UCB Theatre. I was also just in "Mystery Team," the Derrick Comedy film that played at Sundance.

Lou: I'll be watching "Mystery Team" on Netflix, as well as performing stand-up in New York.

TCFF: Do the three of you do comedy full-time, or do you also have day jobs?

Greg: We all have jobs. I work for a market research company in New York.

Lou: I work in my family's property management business, and I previously was teaching English at the undergrad level.

AJ: I actually have a fun day job - I'm a designer for a video game company.

Lou: But we're all busy writing and working on the side. We write screenplays and pilots, go to auditions and all that. Really, it's as if we all have two full-time jobs. When the day comes that I get paid to do this full-time - that will be the definition of success to me.

For more information on Greg & Lou Present Lou & Greg, and to watch the group's sketches, visit www.gregandlou.com.

Last night, I was waiting on a shuttle outside of the City Opera House, having just gotten out of Mike Birbiglia's set. As I sat in the dark, listening to the couple next to me chat excitedly about going to see "American Teenager" (read: Teenager of the Year) and watching the line stretch down Front Street for John Waters, I was struck by the sudden realization: Traverse City is f****** rad. Seriously - when did this happen? Somehow in the last decade, TC has gone from this place I couldn't wait to escape from in high school to a thriving cultural center I couldn't imagine now leaving. It's a sentiment that was echoed over and over again this weekend by the comedians, who couldn't say enough about the beauty of both the place and people here. Just this morning, Joe Avella of Teenager of the Year posted on Twitter: "Traverse City Comedy Fest was excellent! TOTY loves you and thanks you! Come crash on my couch in Chicago anytime." (Note: You guys should totally take him up on this.) What can I say, Traverse City? We've got it good.

If Day 1 of Comedy Fest was the teaser basket of onion rings that whets your appetite for the main course, then Day 2 was the 16oz porterhouse steak you plow your way through without stopping for fear you won't be able to start up again. And it was all kinds of heartburn delicious. The day kicked off with the sneak premiere of an upcoming comedy film, which Michael announced was originally supposed to be "Hot Tub Time Machine" starring John Cusack but was changed to a breakout hit from another film festival this year after the studio pulled the plug on the former shortly before the fest. The new film (we can't print the title since it was a sneak premiere), while not as laugh-out-loud funny as "Hot Tub" might have been, was a great indie flick nonetheless that seemed to get an enthusiastic response from the audience.

You can still see "Hot Tub" in theaters March 26!

Post-screening, I was supposed to stay for the Joan Rivers doc but got called instead over to the Up North studio to interview Teenager of the Year. The guys were already filming with producer Dave Poinsett when I arrived, so I tag-teamed with Dave and jumped in. More than any other act I've seen this weekend - except maybe Jeff - Tim and Joe have a constant stream of funny going in person that is impossible to contain or resist. You just have to hold on to the reins and hope you don't fall off the horse. (As it turns out, most of the time only Tim and Joe have an idea where the horse is going anyway.) That said, it made for a wonderfully absurd interview, with me occasionally attempting to ask real questions and then eventually just giving up and letting the train fly hilariously off the tracks. The madness came to a close with us serenading Up North director Joe Carter in three-part godawful harmony on "Happy Birthday." So yeah - look for that golden footage coming your way soon, Traverse City!

Still trying to figure out what exactly had happened in the studio, I headed downstairs to scope out Jeff's book signing at Horizon Books. He was stationed at the back of the store between the nature and cookbook sections, which seemed like an odd fit until he pointed out he was positioned in front of a fireplace, which admittedly added a very author-y feel to the proceedings. It was near the end of his signing window, and Jeff happily shared that in just 24 hours of the festival to date, he'd sold an estimated 100+ copies of his new book, "My Footprint: Carrying the Weight of the World." The book doesn't even technically come out until Tuesday, so that's an impressive debut. Whitney Cummings dropped by the store when Jeff was finished, and the timing fortuitously worked out to get them both together in the studio for a quick interview, so that's another video piece we'll post here as soon as it's available online.

Interviewing Jeff & Whitney

From the studio, it was a mad dash over to the Opera House to grab a seat for Mike Birbiglia's show. I'd always regretted not seeing Mike when he was here in 2007 (the show sold out), so I was excited to have another opportunity to catch him live. As is always the case with Monsieur Birbiglia, he did not disappoint. Audiences were treated to a generous serving of the classics (Sleepwalking and Scrambler stories) mixed with some newer bits and a tasty sprinkling of audience banter and festival anecdotes. We even got an audience sing-along on a hilariously generic ode to Traverse City (Mike just swaps out the city name at each tour stop). Mike's working on a book version of "Sleepwalk With Me" which is supposed to come out later this year - be sure to keep an eye out for it.

After the introspective shuttle ride from COH mentioned at the start of this post, I found myself in the audience at Old Town Playhouse waiting for Teenager of the Year to take the stage. Tim's girlfriend Becky was sitting next to me in the front row, and having seen the act a few (dozen) times, she informed me we were sitting on the "Joe" side of the stage. By the end of the show, I realized this was only a matter of semantics, because you're going to get a faceful of absurdist awesome whether you're sitting on the "Joe" or "Tim" side of the stage. It's hard to describe Teenager of the Year's show without resorting to comparisons that would be both inaccurate and insulting - MADtv is not a compliment, journalists of the world - so I'll just say it's weirdly and wonderfully funny, with some sketches whose titles carry the punchline ("Deaf Guy Buys a Haunted House") and others whose comedy derives solely from the guys' physical performance ("Fight Scene on Pause"). My favorite had to be "Skydiving Rapist," which came close to winning best sketch in a bracket-style playoff (it lost to "Slow Motion Proofreading an Essay," also great) and which got progressively funnier each time they performed it. Like most risk-taking comedians, Teenager of the Year might not be for everyone, but if you think jokes about kids with cancer are hil-arious (and they are), you'll get along famously.

Teenager of the Year

As is usually the case with our festivals, I made an improvised decision to skip my original plan post-TOTY and stay to see TJ & Dave again at the Playhouse. A, because they were awesome the night before, and B, because I needed to confirm objectively for blogging integrity that their show is indeed "all made up." Luckily, I am pleased to report that both remain true. While Friday's set centered around an airport setting, last night's performance focused on a date at the symphony, with TJ & Dave quickly and comfortably slipping in and out of roles ranging from an opera house crasher to kitchen workers griping about customers at a busy restaurant. When you see improv this effortlessly good, it can deceptively convince you that it's easy - but just watch a few amateurs attempt it and you'll gain a whole new appreciation for the level TJ & Dave are performing on.

The day came to a rollicking end with the festival's second Combo Platter, hosted by Jeff at Horizon Books. A passel of comedians showed up as Jeff's guests for the final night, including Whitney, TJ and Dave. The content, as expected, was both hilarious and highly adult-rated. A word of warning to teenage boys: If your mom is a masseuse and sitting next to you in the audience, don't volunteer that information to a comedian. It will lead to countless embarrassing jibes for you, and endless laughs for everyone else.

Crowd at Combo Platter at Horizon Books

And with that, Day 2 of the first ever TC Comedy Arts Festival came to an end. Come back tomorrow for a recap of the third and final day, plus a misty-eyed trip down memory lane with a look at our favorite festival moments.

Roseanne took the stage a little late, at about 11:24 tonight, wearing hip shades to shield her from the glare of hundreds of excited Northern Michigan fans.

Roseanne isn't afraid to get political, and she immediately sympathizes with the Michigan audience (the state that boasts the highest unemployment rate in the nation), but maintains, "It's not my fault …. I voted for John Edwards."

Just to feel our pulse, she asks us if we were aware that Michael Jackson died.

Actually, Roseanne, she was a Hillary fan — even though she lives in Hawaii now, the birth home of our 44th President. "Hoes before Bros," she says.

And now it's on to Rush Limbaugh ("that fat bastard") and Sarah Palin. Roseanne calls Palin "a great communicator," but one who puts everything in black and white, as in "A black man in the White House."

"Christ, I hate her."

—-

Oh, oh! Roseanne just brought out the smack! Trig, Sarah Palin's latest child, resembles John McCain, she says.

—-

Roseanne just performed on a gay cruise. She asks if there are many gay people here tonight (a few claps and cheers from the audience). Why does she like gay cruises? Cause she hates kids!

"I like the gay men, because if it weren't for them, we fat women would have no one to dance with."

—-

"I'm all for gay marriage, Roseanne says, but I'm against gay divorce. Actually, if all these Republicans are against gay sex, they should be in favor of gay marriage, which will stop gay sex just as it does for straight sex."

"We should have gay men teaching our daughters …. and lesbians teaching our sons." Yep, you'd avoid teacher-student relationships, wouldn't you.

—-

Roseanne on fat people: "People are just fat because they want to get closer to others."

On the likelihood of nuclear apocalypse: "If the world blows up, then all these diet scams will blow up too."

—–

Roseanne isn't entirely comfortable with her age …. "I pee when I sneeze now," she admits.

And ever since turning 40, she can no longer eat cheese. After guzzling milk, she even gets postpartum depression.

Roseanne laments that she had to quit smoking marijuana when her kids took up the practice. "Where did you find that?" she asked them. "In your drawer, by the Snickers bar," is the answer.

The first half of your life you spend hiding from your parents. The second half you spend hiding from your kids.

I hate my kids, ungrateful bastards. Admit it (to the audience).