Residents of the Straits area were stunned Sunday afternoon when the Mackinac Bridge was mysteriously encased in huge blocks of ice, rendering it totally impassible. While proponents for the 51st State of Superior seized upon the event to renew calls for U.P. secession, most folks on either side of the Mighty Mac were wondering if it would melt in time to get morels and pasties respectively.
Things had pretty much settled back to normal by yesterday morning when strange boats were sighted in the Detroit River firing a mysterious blue beam at the Renaissance Center. While the ice-generating beam initially was the subject of much concern, interest faded when it was determined that the beam had absolutely nothing to do with either the mayoral scandal or the Tigers opening day loss to the Royals.
Thus it was to low ratings that Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty commandeered all Michigan TV stations to deliver the following (edited) announcement:
(angrily) “We spend billions of dollars developing a super-weapon and seal your state’s two biggest landmarks in SOLID ICE and Honestly you Americans are so obtuse.
“Long have we Canadians enjoyed friendship with the people of Michigan based upon the three pillars of good fishing, open borders and the mutual purchase of duty-free items.
(rather lengthy comparison of Michigan & Canadian syrup with fancy PowerPoint graphs)
(sternly) “Lately, however, all that has changed, and we find ourselves mainly waiting in line at customs and it’s certainly not helping that the Red Wings are kicking the Maple Leafs butts!
(long rant about hockey and how money is spoiling the purity of the game)
We therefore demand an end to your new border regulations that are choking international trade, annoying citizens on both side of the border and really putting a crimp in my Aunt Lettie’s Keno habit. Failure to comply will result in the the systematic freezification of your major cities, parks and Jeff Daniels.
A poll of Michiganians who have been wondering what the heck was going on with the weather this winter found that 62% were relieved at the news with 27% answering “Spring Break in Florida” and the other 1% answering “Who is Kwame Brown?”.
With Michigan’s legislature on recess “until a few days before the next budget is due” and Gov. Jennifer Granholm currently aboard the International Space Station as part of her pledge to go anywhere for Michigan jobs, Michigan’s highest ranking governmental official was the Undersecretary of Road Construction Scheduling who pledged “swift and decisive action, probably the Friday afternoon of Memorial Day Weekend.”
A spokeswoman for the Detroit Newspaper Group assured readers that while the papers continued to have no interest in the story, “…if you can get Kwame to text it to someone, we’ll be all over it.”
Thanks to James Phelps for contributing to this story. If you’d like to read more in this vein check out:
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